it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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