I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
