Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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