I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
