I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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