I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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