just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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