her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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