Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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