Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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