It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
