I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
