Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
