I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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