It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
