Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
