So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
