You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
