I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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