my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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