If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The chlamydia really affected his face.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Boobs speak an international language.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
