Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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