You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
