If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
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Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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