I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize