Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
