All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
