I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
