Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
