On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Help. Why am I so naked?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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