If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
