part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
