I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
