I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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