I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
