i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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