Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
