She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it's like iHOP with fire
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
