did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
