By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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