no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
