mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
