my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
