I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize