I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
