I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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