He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
