Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
