my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've blown a few things in my day
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
