her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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