I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
