is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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