i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
