Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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