just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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