If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
